One Barbarian
by nld200xy
Summary: It finally happened... the Straw Hats ended up in the medieval ages when they're in the vicinity and care of a family of barbarians and their pet dragon. Can they get back home? Find out.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters used in this, not even the assistant narrator.

One Barbarian

It was a lovely day on the open sea. The sun was shining and the tide was calm.

'Ah yes, it is a lovely day in the Grand Line. The sun is shining; the tide is calm and full of life. We now take you to…'

Who the hell are you?

'I am the assistant narrator from the world you are pairing up with One Piece.'

I requested that I narrate.

'Sadly, my description was a LOT better than yours.'

Damn B-

'Now, don't you finish that line or else I'll sue you for racism!'

I hate you…

'I hate you too, but you have to live with me doing a bit of narrating.'

Okay, fine, but you only get to come up in some cases.

'It's a deal.'

Back with the story, we take you to a big ship called the Going Merry. On this ship were the infamous Straw Hat Pirates, with their captain, Monkey D. Luffy.

Other members included Zoro the swordsman, Nami the navigator, Usopp the sniper, Sanji the chef, Chopper the reindeer doctor and Robin the… translator…?

It was a quiet and subtle day. All was calm until…

"SANJI, I'M HUNGRY!"

'Ah, yes, it is time for Luffy's feeding time. He couldn't go an hour without food.'

Sanji grimaced and cursed, "I get no respect for all the work I do for this guy. Can't he ever give me a break?"

While Sanji whipped up a great meal, Usopp shrieked out in terror from atop the nest and shouted, "GUYS, THERE'S A WEIRD BLACK HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA AND IT'S SUCKING THE GOING MERRY INTO ITS EVIL CLUTCHES!"

"What the hell are you talking about? I was having a great dream about Sanji getting his hands burned off by the hotplates," Zoro replied.

Nami's eyes widened as she shouted, "It's true! Quick, Chopper, turn the ship around!"

Chopper nodded and grew to three times his size. He was now in his Heavy Point.

He walked up to the steering lever and pushed it to the side, but no matter what he did, the ship just kept going closer and closer to the black hole.

'The entire Straw Hat crew wails in agony as the black hole sucks them into its evil vortex. What are our heroes to do? What? For the love of heavens, what?'

They couldn't do a thing. They all panicked as they were pulled into the black hole in an instant.

Meanwhile, in the year 800 something or whatever medieval age this took place in, a tough man stood out in the front yard and poured water over a field of plowed dirt. His name was Dave.

He noticed a bud in his little garden and screamed in delight. He pet his little bud and said, "Hello, little bud. Lula, isn't this just great? My flowers are…" sniff, "finally budding."

The enchanted talking female sword strapped to his back gagged and said, "I'd rather stick a rusty nail through my skull than listen to you praise your flower garden."

"But, if they grow big and strong, I'll win the best garden award for sure!" Dave giggled with excitement.

"Wow, I feel so good for you right now," Lula replied sarcastically.

"You're just jealous because you don't have what it takes to make a flower garden," Dave retorted, spitting in the sword's direction.

'Suddenly, out of nowhere, a large black hole opens up in the sky and the Straw Hat Pirates fall out of it… and so does the ship.'

With that, the entire crew fell from the sky in a heap. To make things worse, the Going Merry fell right beside them and suffered some slight damage to the roof.

Luffy came to with his head all shaken up asking, "Oi, anyone know what happened?"

Dave ran up to the nearly unconscious band of pirates and stated, "Whoever they are, I hope they're okay. Wait… why were they riding a ship like that? They don't look like pirates."

Luffy glared and retorted, "We ARE pirates and I plan to be king of the pirates!"

"Wait," Lula started, "If you just dropped from a 10 story height just now, how is it that you're still alive? Can someone please explain that?"

'Well, I don't have ALL the answers.'

But I do.

Luffy grinned and said, "I'm a rubber man."

The two stared as Dave took out a doctor's kit and asked, "Have you suffered any head trauma recently, good sir?"

Luffy stared in disgust and retorted, "That wasn't a very nice thing to say."

With that, Dave shrugged and took the others to the 'guest room', aka, his selfish sister, Candy's room.

Sanji was the first to wake up. As he opened his eyes slowly, he noticed a princess named Candy standing right in front of him checking to see how serious his injuries were.

Actually, she was over by Zoro checking out his fabulous body, so her back was facing Sanji.

He blinked and asked, "Where am I?"

Candy turned around and said, "Good to see that one of you is awake. Too bad you're not the cute one."

Upon noticing the girl's face, a heart filled Sanji's uncovered right eye as he knelt down in front of her and said, "Oh, what a beauty among beauties! How ironic that I wake up in front of an attractive young woman. Can I make you something? I'll make you a fancy meal, calamari or even a simple cheeseburger. You're worth it."

Candy blushed a little bit and asked, "Will you also help me paint my nails and give me my manicure?"

Before Sanji was about to say yes, Nami gained consciousness and bonked him over the head. Without hesitation, she shook Candy's hand and said, "Thank you for your hospitality. We were all unconscious."

Candy sighed and explained, "I didn't bring you back to health. My brother, Dave forced some old untested medical herbs down your throat. I guess they actually work after all."

Meanwhile, they heard a crash come from the kitchen. They sped into the kitchen and found that Luffy had broken a table while having an eating contest with the family's sorcerer, Oswidge.

The old uncle panicked and uttered, "His eating power… is too… strong… ugh…"

Dave stared and commented, "I never thought anyone could out-eat Uncle Oswidge."

Eventually, the entire crew had come back to life and everything had been cleared up.

'Alas, nobody knows how to get the pirates back to their home world, but you have to admit, someone finally out-ate Oswidge. That's a proud accomplishment.


	2. Chapter 2

One Barbarian

'We now take you to the living room where everyone has gotten acquainted. Joining us is Dave's sister, Fang and his pet dragon, Faffy.'

Zoro sat down on the couch but refused to sleep. He just kept glaring back and forth at Dave while the barbarian vacuumed the house. Fang walked right up to the couch and spat, "Will you get off the couch? I need to use a pillow and throw it at Dave!"

Zoro growled and it was on. The two officially started a classic staring contest. Both had raging fire in their eyes, but in the end, Zoro's fire proved most worthy.

Fang nearly had a heart attack as she backed away and uttered, "Nobody's ever beaten me in a staring contest before… how can this happen? HOW?"

She started rolling around on the ground as Nami entered the room and asked, "What's your problem, Zoro-kun? You won't stop staring at Dave. Are the gay rumors about you true?"

Zoro glared back at her with a disturbed look on his face, shook his head and stated, "It's that sword. It had eyes, a mouth and it can talk. Is that not the least bit disturbing? At first, I was okay with it until I found out it wasn't a devil fruit that caused it."

"Wow… that IS disturbing," Nami replied.

Zoro shrugged, got up and asked, "Do you guys know of any bars or taverns that I can go to?"

"Oh, you want the clotted scuppers," Dave answered, "They drink lots of alcohol there. I personally don't like it, but they have good seafood there."

Zoro finally got up off the couch and headed towards the clotted scuppers. Suddenly, just as he was about to leave, he turned around and asked, "Where is this Clotted Scuppers place?"

'We now take you to Luffy who is amusing himself somehow.'

Luffy grinned and laughed along with Chopper and Usopp as the two clapped for some reason and shouted, "DO IT AGAIN!"

A small potato dragon named Faffy hovered in front of the trio and fired a bolt of lightning out of his mouth.

'Ah, it would appear that Faffy has dazzled our friends. I guess that's what happens when you breathe lightning instead of fire.'

Usopp laughed and said, "This reminds me of the time I fought a large dragon that looked like this guy, only he was big and ferocious and breathed ice instead of lightning."

Faffy folded his arms and made a few grunting noises as Usopp laughed and retorted, "Don't worry; he wasn't as powerful as you! Besides, you're much more fun to be around!"

As Usopp told a big tale about his fight against the dragon, Candy stared and commented, "I know he's ugly, but he sounds like a brave man. If his nose were just a little shorter, I'd date him."

"I say it's a good thing you don't," Sanji explained after just showing up.

Candy stared in confusion as Sanji stated, "He's lying, can't you tell?"

"Oh, I thought he was a hero," Candy sighed, "I guess I should have told by the skinny body."

"Now, if you want a real hero, I know where you can find one," Sanji stated, pointing at himself.

"Of course, Zoro's the man for me," Candy replied.

'Damn swordsman,' Sanji thought, trying to hide his rage.

'While Sanji works out some serious woman issues, let's go to Zoro who is at the clotted scuppers drinking beer.'

It was a fine day in the clotted scuppers. Sadly, the pirates there were breaking out into song and dance.

"Oh, a life on the sea, it is the life for me! All the shocks and all the scurvy make you want to holler (HEY!) There's nothing like a boat, when you're laughing like a goat. Everything is better when it's coming up your throat! Oh, a life on the sea,  
It is the life for me! Yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yo-yay! Yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yippee-yo-yay!"

Zoro shuddered and thought, 'I'd rather be with the sword right now. These guys have no idea how real pirates should think.'

One pirates walked up to Zoro and asked, "Oi, why are you dressed like that, you scurvy dog? That's not how a pirate dresses."

Zoro grimaced and retorted, "What would you know? You wear the most stereotypical clothes I have ever seen!"

'Ah, Zoro has made a terrible mistake, for you must never insult a pirate's fashion. Of course, in this case, the obnoxious pirate was the one who made the mistake of insulting Zoro's fashion.'

"You wanna make something of it?" he asked in a stern tone.

The pirate pulled out a sword, which Zoro quickly knocked into the ceiling with his own.

"I would like to ask you the same thing," he said as a group of pirates joined their friend and drew out their swords.

Even the owner pulled out a blade and flashed it at the swordsman.'

Zoro sighed and pulled out his other two swords. He placed one in his mouth and the other in his free hand.

The pirates rushed at the swordsman as Zoro took out three at once.

They all stood there gaping as if they had seen a ghost when Zoro retracted his swords and threatened, "If you don't wish to join them, don't challenge me ever again."

"I'm okay!" shouted one of them as Zoro noticed that he wasn't bleeding.

'What a strange world this is,' he thought to himself.

'We now take you to the lair of the Dark Lord Chuckles, the Silly Piggy. He is fiendishly laughing in his fiendish lair because he plans to fiendishly destroy the barbarians in a fiendish manner.'

A cute little pig laughed maniacally as he looked at the screen and said, "With the help of my new and improved Chuckle-Bot, Dave the Barbarian and his stupid little family will never know what hit them."

He laughed maniacally some more as a face showed up on his mirror and spat, "You're talking to thin air, you know that?"

"Quiet you!" Chuckles snapped to his magic mirror on the wall.

He leapt into a big robot that looked like him and rode off laughing all the way. As he exited the cave, the Chuckle-Bot knocked down the ceiling and hurt the pilot's forehead in the process.

"OW! You're crushing my little piggy forehead," Chuckled complained as he jumped back into the cockpit and rode towards Udragoth.

Meanwhile, Fang was talking to Usopp. She grinned, held out a rope and asked, "Could you hold this, Usopp?"

Usopp took the rope only to have a large rock fall off of the roof and nearly crush him. Fang looked at the rock and whined, "Darn, I missed!"

Usopp blinked and announced, "I am Captain Usopp! I can stand up to much more than this!"

Fang stormed back into the castle grumbling along the way when a huge sound caused the earth the tremble below the people.

Chuckles rode towards the castle in his Chuckle-Bot, stopped and announced, "Listen, fools, I have come to destroy you all and claim this… wait, where's Dave?"

"He's inside vacuuming the floor," Fang explained.

"What?" Chuckles retorted, "But I want him here so I can rub it in his face!"

"You can challenge me!" announced a familiar voice.

Usopp stood tall and proud with a giant hammer humped over his shoulder that read '5-T'. Chuckles gasped in horror at what little effort it took him to lift a five-ton hammer.

Usopp grinned and announced, "Listen, I am a brave man of the sea! I command 8000 men! If you know what's good for you, you'll leave right now!"

Chuckles' look of terror soon turned into a look of boredom. He sighed and replied, "Yawn! That was the biggest lie in history."

Usopp swallowed, lifted up his hammer and shouted, "Look! I can lift 5 tons!"

That got the pig's attention. Usopp showed off as Chuckles unleashed a series of missiles that came out of the robot's hand and burned the hammer into a pile of nothing.

"What?" Chuckles asked, "Paper? Is this some kind of joke? That's just a fold up model made from two frying pans and what looks like a stick!"

Usopp trembled in fear and pulled out a slingshot. "DEADLY TECHNIQUE EXPLODING STAR!" he shouted as he released a small ball from the slingshot and created a huge explosion.

Sadly, the explosion didn't affect the robot at all. Chuckles laughed and explained, "My Chuckle-Bot version two is completely explosive proof!"

Suddenly, everyone heard the noise and ran outside. Dave stared up at the contraption, screamed and ran behind Faffy for protection.

"Some tough brute he turned out to be," Robin commented trying to stifle a laugh.

Lula sighed and replied, "Tell me about it, sister."

Luffy stared and blinked a couple of times until he realized that there was pig and an even bigger pig combined. He lifted his arms in the air and shouted, "FOOD!"

Chuckles screamed in horror as Luffy chomped the Chuckle-Bot's arm. He realized that the bite was pointless and simply flinged Luffy into a castle wall.

Candy screamed as she saw Luffy ram into the wall. Sanji simply stood in front and said, "Nobody scares a girl and gets away with it!"

Sanji kicked the robot in the legs and knocked them sky high. Sadly, the Chuckle-Bot came with homing rockets tucked under its legs, so it couldn't be brought to the ground like that.

Luffy grunted and exclaimed, "That wasn't very nice, Mr. Pig! Get into my belly!"

He positioned his fist and shouted, "Gomu-Gomu no Pistol!"

He unleashed his fist on the robot causing it to self destruct. Chuckles flew into the distance and said, "I should have had that robot insured. CURSE YOU, WEIRD TALL MONKEY!"

"I'M NOT A MONKEY!" Luffy called back as Fang patted his shoulder and said, "I feel your pain."


End file.
